My journal is Friends-Only, comment to be added, if you really want to.  I deleted my last journal because I just did not have 3 weeks of time to make all 1,400 posts private and I needed to make my blog private for confidential reasons.

Dear SOtR members,
I needed to write this in hopes that you would see it.  Maybe you already know my LJ username, or maybe you have Google Alerts to anything related to Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I don't know.  There probably is a chance you'll never see this.  But the internet is a big place, so I have to believe you will see it.
Three years ago, you hurt me very badly.  I became suicidal overnight, paranoid and left feeling abandoned by people I thought I could trust.  My OCD was at a permanent spike for a few weeks there, which was unbearable.  Despite all of it, I managed to get it all under control with the help of a very understanding therapist who assured me I was not a horrible person for something I had no control over.  When I found out about my specific type of OCD, I was both ashamed and relieved.  Ashamed that people would assume the worst and that they didn't know these were never my thoughts, I never wanted them, they just pop in my head under stressful situations.  I was relieved though, that this had a name and there were other people out there suffering with the same thing.  I made the mistake of telling everyone on SOtR.  I should have never told anyone.  Not because it meant I would have been kicked off the boards, but because I was barely understanding it myself and describing it to people who only saw the bad in my mental illness, would ultimately mean people would jump to conclusions about me.  Plus I described it so poorly, people's conclusions had no where but to jump.  I was just learning everything about it and presenting it to people I considered my friends.
Part of me wonders why I even miss SOtR so much lately, despite what happened.  Maybe I need closure.  I need you to know that I forgave you years ago.  I needed to forgive you for me.  I don't want you to assume that I was hiding something from you guys, because I wasn't.  I just managed to keep the thoughts in the back of my mind, but when I found out the name of my illness, all the thoughts came flooding to the front. I became full on obsessed with thinking I was a bad person when I never was.  I can't control my thoughts.  I'm not going to get into a rant now, but I just needed to write this now, while I had the courage and hopes that you read this and pass it along.

Alyssa

PS. I have a new love in my life and his name is Kirby, he's a black love bug of a cat.  Sweetest thing you'll ever see.

I got my blood pressure checked today and it was 120/80, so basically perfect.  It's good to know that the weight loss must be helping and even a little has helped me a lot.  My dad bought a weight watcher's scale and I weighed myself on it.  It said I gained 1.7 pounds.  I don't think I'm going to use the scale though anymore.  I don't want to obsessively be checking my weight everyday, so I'm going to just rely on the Weight Watcher's weekly weigh in.

I have decided to document my weight loss here and write about my struggles and successes.  I am currently down 13 pounds in 3 weeks.  My dad is down 11.  So far since Monday, I have had points left over.  Yesterday I had one point left at the end of the day and Monday I had six.  Today I still have 23 left.  It's been an interesting few weeks.  I have only eaten red meat once and that was when I had a Wendy's burger on Saturday.  For someone who loves red meat and often craves it, it's just weird that I haven't had it nearly as much.  My family used to buy ground beef all the time.  We'd have red meat almost every day.  Now we have ground turkey, chicken, or fish.  Tonight we had turkey chili and corn on the cob.  It didn't really taste any different if we had used ground beef.  Yesterday we had turkey tacos and I added corn to the taco meat for more filling.  I have been adding kidney beans and corn to almost every Mexican dish I make.  I did it for the enchiladas I made last week.  My dad thought they were amazing and I thought they were pretty damn good too.  I'm excited to go to the doctor and see what she says about me losing weight and about my blood pressure.  I hope to go off my blood pressure meds soon.  I went and got my pressure checked two weeks ago and it was 124/80 which is phenomenal.  The weight loss must be working.

I thought I'd post the enchiladas recipe too.

Turkey Enchiladas
1 pound extra lean ground turkey (Jennie-O)
40oz enchilada sauce, divided (I like the green medium flavor)
12 oz reduced fat colby jack cheese, divided
10 whole wheat tortillas
12 oz frozen corn
15 oz kidney beans

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brown the turkey in a pot, add the corn, beans, 8 oz of cheese and 20oz of enchilada sauce to the pot.  Stir briefly.  Scoop 1/10 of the mixture into a tortilla, roll it up and place in a large cake pan or multiple cake pans.  Repeat 10 times.  Add the remaining enchilada sauce, top with the remaining cheese and bake for 20 minutes.  Serve with sour cream and/or guacamole.

Danica is giving away Annie’s Mac and Cheese!  Check it out!

Not at all.  It's bullshit that there is so much hype.  It's being sensationalized by the media.  The media sensationalize everything, that's to be expected, but they do it to strike fear in everyone.  I've learned to not listen or take what the media say with a grain of salt.

Alaska!  I am freakishly obsessed with that place and so desperately want to live there.

While I am a food addict, I don't really have a food that makes me feel better.  I don't really feel comfort from food, I just really love to eat.  That probably doesn't make sense.... I don't know it's 3:30am.

I was obsessed with Little Women as a kid.  That was around the time the Susan Sarandon/Winona Ryder movie came out.  My friend was the one who loved Meg.  I was the Jo.  I wouldn't necessarily say I am a Jo though.  I just loved her character...

I think the ones I have been reading about lately have been pretty interesting. Like that bitch who carved a B in her own face (only backwards) and claimed a black Obama supporter did it. I didn't believe her story the second I saw that the B was backwards.  She is obviously a giant moron. If she is at least going to play a mean and nasty trick, at least learn to do a B the right way or know that mirrors are the opposite!

Wow this is so bizarre that this is on here when I was thinking about this a few days ago.  With me, I don't think I have ever asked for directions at least from someone I don't know, because I'm pretty good with directions.  I can just stare at an aerial photo of where I'm going and then write the directions down and I'll get there.  If I get lost, I can remember the aerial photo and figure it out.  In the off chance I do get really lost, I call my parents or someone near a computer to help me out.  I don't know about the men in my life though... I guess I've never really paid attention to whether or not they do.

Tony and Angela of course!!!  Best damn show EVER!

Well, I slept with Tigger every night for several years in college.  Don't believe me ask my roommate, I had a giant stuffed Tigger that I used as a pillow!  Anyway, despite that, I've always loved Eeyore more, so I'd go with him.

The Beatles suck!  I love oldies, but yeah, I think I'd rather listen to rap than the Beatles.  They get way too much hype.

I was just about to read Who's The Boss? fanfiction, haha.  I haven't read a book though in over a year, which is very unusual for me.  I've tried numerous times to read, I just can't focus on it.  Last summer I read on average 2 books a week.  I don't really understand what happened.  All through middle school and high school, I would carry a book with me to every class because I always finished my homework before the class period.  I always looked forward to when I got to read.

I love Autumn, the colors, the smells, the COLD!  I am so excited that it will be getting so much cooler now.  I hate summer.  The only thing I like about Summer is more sunlight.  I know I said I would probably never leave Minnesota because I love it so much, but seriously, I think I might live in Alaska during the summer for the sunlight and the cooler weather.  I'm not looking forward to having to close my windows this year.  I had my dorm windows open throughout the year, even when it was below zero.  Colder is so much more comfortable.

Who's The Boss? or Arrested Development definitely!!!!  Those are the best damn shows EVER.

First of all MENTAL HEALTH PARITY!!!! And since the president doesn't make the rules, I would attempt to get that children's health care bill sent back to me and then I would sign it. If the current system wasn't in the way though, I'd get universal health care, have birth control covered for all and not Viagra (to stick it to the fat white republican males in Congress). Ban corporations from outsourcing jobs. Enforce fair trade. Enforce stricter gun laws. Ban politicians from exploiting their religion to get a vote (religion does not define one's morals). And there are lots of other stuff.

Well, I have Tourette's so TwitchyWoman seemed appropriate and it is a play off of that Witchy Woman song.  I would have kept my old username MonaLyssaSmile, but I had to delete it.

Easy, ALASKA!  Or I'd go back to Morris, or Canada if I couldn't stay in Minnesota.  Wherever, it would need to have four seasons and it generally stays cold.